Chow Down
by whatthepenwills
Summary: [Crackfic Oneshot] What happens when Sasha could no longer stand not eating any meat? What happens when she hunts down a deer in the darkest of dawns and waking up a certain Captain from his restful slumber? Humour/Parody (Some implied SashaxConnie and SashaxJean) lol


**Disclaimer:** I do not own any characters or copyright from the Shingeki no Kyojin/Attack on Titan franchise. Please support the original creator however and wherever you can. The original story or plotline, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this fanfiction are purely fictitious. Any identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is not intended or purely coincidental.

 **Author's Note:** A fun crackfic I wrote in DeviantArt under the same title. Republished here for fun!

* * *

 **"** **Chow Down"**

Waking up to peaceful, singing birds in this titan's hole was _fine_. Even if it meant hanging out with those birds that didn't have to fear titans and for that, he was envious of them. But waking up to the sounds of creaking floorboards, scuffling splinters and wooden surfaces, soft thuds of cupboards now and then, the slightest chink of porcelain and glass, or even the sound of satisfied sighs and moans—now _that_ was disturbing. Almost inhumanly so.

 _Why the shit did I even pick up this room of all the shittiest rooms?_ Captain Levi was already wide awake at this still dawning hour; with the sun barely lifted its way from the covers of night, those eager flocks of alarm clocks were irritatingly cheerful in the morning, but somehow tolerable—it was hard to tell time in this world anyway. He sat up, throwing the blanket away from his person, and slid his way down to the side of the bed, letting his feet hang above the floor. Then, as the sounds continued to persist, he let out a long and dreary sigh. _It's Braus again, isn't it?_

"Yes! Yes!" a muffled moan answered his question—it came from the walls beside his room. So he shifted his piercing gaze towards it, as if expecting the walls to crumble down to his obstinate icy glare alone.

 _Geez, that girl!_ he sighed again as he got up; he rolled up the sleeves his night shirt as he reached out for the lamp on the floor, just next to his cold bed for easy reach. _If this goes on_ , he lit up a match he hid under his mattress and taste the warm air from the lamp as the fickle fire burned. _The boys will have a nightmarish_ wet _dream!*_

He headed towards the door, guided by the burning lamp in his steady hands, and made his way through the hallway as silent as a pawed creature. His room was next door with the kitchen, located on the ground floor of this three-story barn house.

"Y-yes!" another moan went on.

Levi had had enough of this.

He didn't hesitate to open the door to the kitchen and— _bloody hell, she even left the door unlocked!_

"Braus," his voice came first than the sounds of groaning doors—apparently, even the doors feared him. "What in titan's hell are you doing?"

The surprised hazel eyes of his inferior officer made him flinch—no, it was the _state_ she was in that surprised him beyond reprieve. She had boiled the potatoes they kept in stock and literally stuffed their steaming, mashed up flesh into hers. She was probably in the middle of cooking. _G-gross_ , he observed silently; his eyes now trailing over her whole figure—from her head to her toe. _Ew. She even has some of them in her hair!_

"C-Cap... C-Capta-in L-Levi!?" she exclaimed, but it was not loud enough given her full mouth. Not only that, she began gagging, too.

"Pull yourself together for titan's sake!"

But she didn't stop—now she sounded _choking_. Heck, her eyes were even rolling up above into her head...

This was why he hated _mornings_. Especially when he had to occupy the ground floor for security reasons.

"Lower your—never mind," he set the lamp on the kitchen's wide table and rushed to her aid.

He came up from behind her, wrapped his arms around her waist – just below her ribcage – hooked his arms together into a fist and started to thrust them inward. She gagged in shock at first, before going limb, which was allowing her mouth to hang open—and _voila!_ A half-bitten potato the size of his fist (it was shy of perhaps two inches) spewed out of her mouth.

He thought he was quick enough to release his arms and hands around her, but he was wrong. _So_ wrong.

 _S-Shit!_ Her drool escaped from the sides of her lips, dripping down her chin and onto his snaking hands. It was... repulsive. Immodest. Unimaginably dis—

"Th-thank you, Captain," she let out a sigh and wiped her chin dry with her sleeves.

He blinked several times in awe of the ponytailed girl before him before glancing down at his own hands and wrists. _I've been contaminated by a young girl's potato ridden saliva,_ he mused darkly as the slick glistened.

"Oh, titan's God!" she bellowed suddenly, taking out a cloth from the kitchen cupboard and drenched it in a bit of soap and water. "I-I am s-so sorry, sir! I didn't mea—"

"Not another word," Levi growled. With the way his eyes were glowering, she knew she only had to nod to that.

Silently, she wiped off her saliva from his limbs with quivering anxiety in her own. In this dim lighting, she sure did a good job washing the filth off. But after her first cleanse, he grabbed the cloth and decided to do it by himself. _S_ _till not_ clean _enough..._ and Sasha didn't see how he bit his lips in anger.

Sasha couldn't feel more remorse and guilt and regret than ever before; she thought she had worst times of humiliating shame when she stole Jean's share of potatoes or even when Historia gave her share of bread loaf just because _she_ was hungry. She watched in deep thought as her superior officer began washing his fingers thoroughly, wiping it ever so slowly up and down his digits.

"D-Did I wake you?" she inquired, much to his surprise.

He shrugged, "I was already awake."

"Oh," was all she could reply.

There was an _unfamiliar_ stench in the room, one she had nearly forgotten about. And she was going to explain it—but Captain Levi beat her to it.

"Did you hunt?"

She nodded eagerly, "Y-yes! I-I heard a doe's call so I—"

"You do realise we're not allowed to hunt out here?"

"B-but I cleaned up real good! I buried some of the remains! I-I even dug out some trenches for the blood at the scene of the hunt!"

"Braus, I'm not—"

"I'm sorry, okay? I've had no meat for months and there's no storage I could steal from, nothing I could grab my hands on so I hunted, _alright_? Plus, it's not like they keep count on how many sheep or goats or deers that're out there! It's a damn treat, for titan's sake! Just eat the damn thing and—"

 _What a stubborn little girl!_ He shook his head angrily, taking an unintentional step forward as he cried, "Braus, I said: I'm _not_ mad!"

Sasha whipped her eyes open and the Captain stood right in front of her with their noses almost touching. She took a step back and so did he. She flashed a blush with which Levi reacted with a widened gaze.

"Anyway," Levi scratched the back of his neck. _That was damn awkward! But someone has to teach this girl a lesson, damn it! And she's too handful even for Hange to handle..._ "A doe, you say?"

She was glad she didn't have to break the ice; "Y-yes," she made her way past him, right towards the back where the lean meat of a deer's topside rested on the cupboard, "I was thinking of stews. But then again, maybe you'd like some steak, sir?"

"Steak?" Levi stepped forward and followed her lead; he examined the meat as he said, "Where's the rest of it?"

"You mean the bones, sir?"

He merely nodded as he gave her a sideways glance her.

"I boiled the good parts and ditched the bad ones," she giggled, "For soup!"

He let out a sigh.

"A-Are you still m-mad, s-sir?" she quickly asked.

"No, Braus," he groaned as he headed for the sink now, washing his hands off the blood and smell of raw meat, "I'm not mad, damn it."

"S-Should I do some lap runs? O-or maybe some pumps? Tell me my punishments and I'll do it!"

"No, Braus. I'm _not_ mad. Can you please stop asking me shits like that?"

"B-But you're clearly u-upset!"

She watched as he huffed out a chuckle and she couldn't believe her ears when she heard it, so much so she stepped forward next to him. She watched as he took out the knives from the drawers, cleaned them and sharpened them before he then took up the said lean meat, making precise incisions through it like this was not his first time. She watched in awe at his already expert, _uncanny_ hand at this kitchen affair. Was this really the Captain that everyone knew?

"Well," he turned his head towards her; his blue eyes glowed a little mischievously as she gasped, "Aren't you going to help me?"

She pulled back and waited for his words to digest in her volatile little mind. Then she burst into chuckles as well. There was no time for her to ask why or where that came from—light was peeling away the starry sky and it will be bright soon. This was a time for food—plenty of them.

After washing her hands, she then returned to his side and smiled, "What will you have me do, sir?"

 **-EXTENDED ENDING-**

"Whoa!" Connie covered his gaping mouth as the rest of the group made their way into the kitchen.

"Isn't this a bit too heavy for _breakfast_?" Armin jumped in, cupping his chin.

"Oh, come on," spat Eren as he walked up behind his best friend, "Don't jinx the blessing, Armin!"

"B-But," Connie went on helplessly staring at the table, "Just what in titan's hole is this!?"

Mikasa took a glimpse of the table full of food before she helped Sasha with preparing the tables with plates and cutleries. Eren followed Armin cautiously; both still in disbelief of the amount of food prepared. Historia was mildly surprised and pleased at the same time while Jean and Connie was still too confused as to what to feel at first instance.

Sasha laughed aloud as she glanced over her shoulders, "Technically, titans don't have holes, Connie!"

"Sh-Shut up!" the boy rebutted shyly. "What about their mouths? Or noses? Or ears, hm?"

"I think we both know exactly which _hole_ you were referring to!"

Jean snorted at that—a reaction he was comfortable with in this social setting, he thought, "Looks like potato girl has treated us to some chow down!"

"What are you talking about?"

The cold voice reprimanded Jean and Connie as they stood by the kitchen's entryway; they knew whose voice it was and turning around would be a bad idea. It may even be worst than staring into Medusa's eyes.

"Well, what are you two waiting for? Move along, Kirchstein, Springer!" Levi demanded as he tapped them both at the shoulders, which did them no good; they startled and turned frozen as their Captain pushed them forward, "Or do you want to miss out on the chow down?"

Both boys nodded their heads vigorously before taking their respective seats across each other at the dining table; all the others had gathered to their places and waited for their leader to be seated—this was the way they had been doing things since moving out to the forest. Levi smirked slightly at that, making his way into the kitchen—a glance towards Sasha and they both nodded.

Despite the low downs on this new way of doing things (and this new, young squadron), Levi enjoyed it. This somehow started a new beginning for him; these kids are like his own little siblings— _annoying_ ones at that.

As he took up his seat at the farthest end of the table, facing all these bright young minds, he raised his warm cup of tea to them as said, "Time to chow, brats."

They hesitantly nodded their heads and proceeded with taking careful bites off their meaty breakfast; there was a bowl of beef stew, a plateful of grilled steak and some meat loaves. Armin was the first one to taste them properly, taking up some sips of stew and chewing on some steak, and when he swallowed, he was pleased. Not only was it delicious, they were not poisonous in some way.

"H-he lives," Eren gasped as he stared at Armin closely.

Levi scoffed suddenly, "What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"We all know Sasha can't cook without our help," Mikasa deduced curtly; the pleased look on her face faded as she turned to him, "Captain, sir, who exactly is treating us to this chow down?"

All their heads turned to him—Jean's face being the most dumbfounded one of all. His spoonful of food dripping down, splashing into his shirt.

This was why he hated kids. _Smart-ass_ kids.

But this was probably what made him think that the future in these young people's hands may not be so bad after all.

"Braus took down the deer," he huffed out a sigh as he took a sip from his tea, "And heed my words, Kirchstein: _I'm_ the one treating you shitty little brats to this chow down."

Jean let out a choking cough while the rest gasped, "WHAT!?"

 **FIN**

* _nightmarish wetdream_ \- Captain Levi really thought that this was an impossible feat, but he knew Connie and Jean supposedly suffered from this; he found it disgusting that the image and sound of Sasha eating food – however erotic she may look or sound – could ever induce such a thing.


End file.
